


Let's Just Not

by Elevensy



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Protective Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-12-04 12:55:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11555643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elevensy/pseuds/Elevensy
Summary: Tony's having a hard time coping after Siberia, especially since Steve's side of the war was pardoned and all back at home. The whole team is trying to find out what's really going on with the famous Tony Stark.





	1. Chapter 1

Something was wrong. Well, everything was wrong. That didn't really change the fact that anything could be done about it. Life was supposed to be great. Just forget about anything else.

 

"Tony, are you gonna eat that?" Natasha peered over her mug of tea, eyes round. 

 

Truthfully, I was. But the thought of taking something else away from the team made me sick to my stomach, and I pushed the plate away, shaking my head. "All yours, Nat."

 

My stomach lurched again, painfully this time, and I stumbled up, walking as smoothly as I could to the elevator, punching the button to go to the workshop. Once inside, I fell to the ground immediately, breathing hard, heart pounding in my ears. I could feel the shield pounding into my chest, almost as if it was yesterday and not a year ago. "Boss, you're in the tower, you're safe, and I've frozen the elevator until you calm down." Friday's Irish lilt pierced the fog around my head.

 

_Everything is okay. Everything is fine. I'm fine. I'm okay._

 

I reached up, raking my hands through my hair. " Thanks Fri, head down to the lab now?" Silently, the elevator resumed working. I sighed in relief. If anything would make me feel better, it was definitely going to be my machines, the one true family I had.

 

_They don't know that I fucked everything up. They don't know that I ruined everything we had as a team. They don't know that I'm going crazy in my mind, slowly but surely, and then one day, I'll be gone._

With that thought, I reached out and punched the wall.  _Not yet._ I stepped into the lab, waving casually at the bots, and then stalking over to my chair, pulling up schematics for a new suit for Bucky and Steve. They'd both needed new ones for a while, and I didn't want them getting hurt. Not that they asked, and not that what I thought mattered.

After a couple of hours, eyes drooping from exhaustion, I shuffled to the elevator, up to my own floor to head to bed. I figured if I didn't, I’d get an earful from someone, and I just didn't want to disappoint yet another person. I don’t think I could stand to see the disappoint in their eyes yet again. 

Heading to the floor-to-ceiling mirror in my closet, I looked myself up and down. I hated the way I looked now. So tired and needy. The scars all over, some inflicted from fights, some from good old Pops, and more than a few from myself. There weren’t many “accidents”.

“Three weeks. Three weeks, Tony, is all you get to pull your shit together. Then it’s over.” I spoke the words out loud to myself, feeling foolish.

 

“What do you mean, three weeks?”

 

I jumped at the noise of Bucky, right behind me, and then faked a laugh. “It’s a calming technique.” I lied easily.

 

“Bullshit, Tony.” Bucky looked unamused and angry. “Tell me the truth.”

 

I flinched away from him, holding my hands up. “Nothing, Bucky, I’m fine.” I backed out of the closet, laying myself on his bed, Bucky in pursuit.

 

“Really?” Bucky glared. “Tony, that’s not a relaxation technique, and you’re anything but calm right now.” He raised his hand, and I involuntary flinched again, causing Bucky’s face to soften.

“Tony, please don’t be afraid of me.” Bucky dropped his voice to a whisper. “I’m here if you need anything.”

 

“Sure thing, soldier.” I made my voice light and airy, struggling to plaster a smile on my face. I knew if I played normal, he’d probably get bored and leave.

 

Bucky reached out with his flesh hand to pat me on my leg. “Let’s make this easy. The next time I see you, I’m expecting a list of what I can do to help Tony Stark.”

 

With a sigh and a small smile, the soldier stood up, and with the grace of something other-worldly, exited the room, leaving my heart racing.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little bumpy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I just made some changes to chapter one, so GO BACK and READ CHAPTER ONE. 
> 
> That's all :)

I was looking down at this schematic for Clint’s arrows, just a tad bit confused. I’d been on a work binge for at least a few days, and knew I was close to something, but I couldn’t quite get it. It was then, mind deep in my work that Friday alerted me that Bucky was standing outside the door.

 

The last time we talked, he had told me he wanted a list. I laughed again at the memory. I was so positive that he was joking. So I made a fucking hilarious list, with stupid sappy shit I knew he would totally be confused by. Nothing like the broken fuck-up to make a list of all the ways he needed help.

 

“Let him in, Fri” I grumbled, and turned back to the schematics. I was so close. I knew it. Why the fuck was it taking this long?

Bucky didn’t say anything, but stalked over to me silently, scaring me when I felt him brush up against my back.

“Fuck, you can’t just do that.” I squirmed out of arms reach. He could, but it meant something different to me, than what it meant to him. If that wasn’t a painful truth, nothing was.

His eyes twinkled mischievously. “So, you got the list?”

“Yes,” I nodded tersely, and handed it to him.

He took a moment to look at the list of about 20 things, chewing his bottom lip in thought. In the midst of the silence, Steve ambled into the lab, looking cautiously at Tony.

“See, Stevie?” Bucky showed the list to Steve, ignoring my groans of protest. “This is what I was talking about.”

I don’t know why that bothered me, but the fact that Mr. and Mr. Perfect themselves were talking about me behind my back caused my cheeks to flush in anger. “Oh yeah? Been talking about me?” I chuckled darkly. “Why not say it to my face?” Why was I angry? I sound like Howard. Shit. With that thought, I feel like throwing up, and lean against the stool to regain my balance and stop the ringing in my ears. I look up and see both men looking at me with frowns. They’re probably upset.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” I said, trying to hold back and tears and potential stomach contents. “That list was also a joke, by the way. I wrote it to see the ridiculous looks on your faces.”

Bucky reached out to me, and I flinched. I hated that I flinched.  I felt weak, and wanted to leave. “Hey, Tony” he said, his voice gruff and soft at the same time. “I’ll do all of these.”

I laughed, cold, harsh, and in pain. “Really, Barnes. It’s a joke. You don’t have to sing to me every time I enter a room, or compliment my hands when I clap. I really was just joking about that.”

This time Steve spoke up. “Well, Buck and I aren’t joking. And we’re going to do it. All of it.” He immediately started singing some song that sounded like it should have died with the depression. I couldn’t handle it.

“Okay, stop, STOP.” I hollered. “Fine. I can make a new list.” I thought carefully, and scribbled a few things down, now that Steve had fallen silent. After a few seconds, I shoved the piece of paper their direction.

Bucky reached down, read the list, and looked up and me, growling. “No, Tony. Fuck no. We’re not doing this. I’m not fucking pretending you don’t exist. Why would you ask such a thing? ”

“Why not? You wanted to know what I wanted. That’s what I want. And I’m pretty sure that’s what you both want. So as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” I lied again. Fuck I’m horrible.

Steve chucked the list to the ground. “No. You’re trying to convince yourself that’s what you want. I can see it in your eyes. You think you don’t need help? Or maybe that you don’t deserve it. Tony, you do deserve it.”

Bucky closed the distance, and glowered down at me. “You can’t take care of yourself, so fine. We’ll take care of you.” He briefly touched his hand to mine, causing me to snatch my hand back and flinch. “Tony, we’re not leaving you alone this time. We’re not going to stand by and watch someone we care about wither away.”

Holy shit, things got real. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at the wall.

“So, since you won’t make a good list, I’m  gonna make a list in my mind and Buck and I will be making sure you’re taken care of.” Steve puffed his chest proudly.

 

Fuck, what did I get myself into?


	3. Chapter Three

I’d thought that after a few days, they’d leave me alone, but they were the most stubborn people. They put even Rhodey to shame.  I woke up in the morning, only to be greeted by Steve, standing outside my door with coffee. It surprised me just a bit.

“So Tony, what can I do today?” Steve’s voice purposefully light, but a hint of concern shined through.

I tried really hard not to laugh. Really hard. It shouldn’t be funny, but here I was, drinking coffee from someone who tried to kill me. I guess that what not something I’d predicted.

“If you don’t say something, I’ll just do what I think you want me to do.” His voice got all gruff and serious, which made me anxious all at once. Fuck, I’m disappointing him.

“Um, I’m just headed down to the lab. The coffee’s plenty help. Thanks.” I squeezed past him, heading straight to the elevator, the doors closing right on his face. I sighed loudly, loud enough for the noise to reverberate for a second or two.

“Friday, workshop, please.” I fidgeted with my shirt, waiting for the doors to open. I’d already started cataloguing everything that I needed to do today, but those plans came to a crashing stop as soon as the doors opened.

Bucky was standing only a foot from the doors with a plate of eggs and waffles, dripping in syrup. “Hey Tony”. The smirk he was wearing should not have made me blush, but my cheeks flared to life.

“Uh, hi there.” I attempted to shuffle past him with my coffee, but a hand shoots out and grabs my arm, holding me in place. “What now?” I tried to make my voice sound annoyed, but I’m pretty sure it sounded more helpless.

“You’re gonna eat all of this. Steve let me know all you’ve had is coffee, and I checked with Friday as to what’s your favorite breakfast.” Bucky pulled me towards the table and set the plate down next to me.

I sighed, pushed the plate away and rolled my eyes. “Um, not hungry. Thanks for the food though.”

He bites his lip, making my cheeks flare up again, and making me look away. “Look, you’re eating this, even if I have to hand feed you, Tony.” His voice begged for an argument.

I narrowed my eyes, because two could play this game. “No.” I turned to head to one of the workstations, only to feel the metal fingers wrap around my wrist, pulling me away from where I wanted to go.

I groaned in frustration, because seriously, this was a pretty juvenile move, but I ended up on Bucky’s lap, inches from his face, and I couldn’t breathe properly. All I could focus on was his stubble, the smell of his hair and the warmth of his pressed against my side. I gulped like a fish out of water for a few seconds. I looked up at him, and scowled fiercely when I realized he’d been watching my reaction and trying not to laugh.

I tried pushing away but his arm has locked me in place. “I told you Tony. Should have realized I’m not lying to you, ever.” He said the last part very seriously, and I ducked my head, trying to look anywhere but at him. I didn’t want to start crying and I didn’t want him to see the stupid hopelessness in my eyes as he said it. “Open up.”

Now this felt ridiculous. He has some egg on a fork, close to my mouth. I shook my head several times and very adamantly. I wasn’t a fucking four year old.

“Come on, Tony. You know you need to keep up, otherwise Justin Hammer will catch up.” He chuckled when I opened my mouth to disagree, and then shoved food in my mouth.

“Not fucking fair. You knew I was gonna correct you on that.” I said, mouth full. “Hammer’s an idiot.”

“I know Tony. But you need to eat. “ He smirked, and leaned in, whispering in my ear. “Gotta keep you around.”

It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. It made me shiver, and he knew it. But those fucking words made me start crying. Fuck, I was a mess. I kept pushing against him, trying to get free, and I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see anything, just the blurred surrounding of the workshop. It kind of looked like a watercolor painting, everything smeared together.

I also realized the horrible sounds were coming from my mouth, the disgusting sounding sobs that were echoing from me. I didn’t realize I was hitting Bucky until he pulled me closer and let me cry. I was pretty sure I’d ruined this whole thing, and here I was, crying before lunchtime. I really was fucked up.

“Stop,” I chanted, over and over, as I kept trying to escape from his grasp. I felt even more ashamed. Me a grown ass man, acting like a baby. I’d pretty much ruined this whole relationship. Yeah, time to abort mission.

He finally just pulled me into him, tucking my head into his chest. I felt him pressing his cheek against the top of my head and began to rock me back and forth.

I wasn’t anxious anymore, but I felt so fucking guilty. And what the hell was he thinking? What the fuck was going on? I was so confused, because I wanted to like this. I wanted this to be fucking real. But it wasn’t. This was all some twisted dream, and I knew that I was going to wake up very, very soon.

If it was I dream, I should enjoy it, right? I leaned in, trying to stop the tears and calm down. Whatever cologne he had, really helped. That was very good as far as hallucinations went. I’d have to somehow get that, make sure to keep some handy.

He rocked me for what seemed like ages before I completely passed out, exhausted with the whole ordeal.


	4. Chapter 4

After the whole “emotional breakdown” that happened in the lab, I tried my hardest to avoid Bucky and Steve. I knew that they had both been filling each other in on how I was doing, and honestly, it didn’t really bother me too much. I just stopped caring.

I had originally thought that falling asleep in Bucky’s arms would have helped, but it didn’t. I woke up in my own bed feeling so guilty for doing that to him. I scrambled towards the door to head to his floor to apologize, but was stopped by Steve the second the elevator doors opened to his floor.

“Bucky said you’d probably try to find him and apologize. Just so you know, he doesn’t accept your apology because he doesn’t want your apology.” Steve grinned a little toward the last sentence. “Tony, you’d be surprised how stubborn he can be, but he’s really a sweetheart deep down.”

I dropped my head, unsure of what to say. Maybe I should be treating this like a press conference? I squared my shoulders, plastered my fake ass grin on, and loudly proclaimed to Steve, “Well, let him know that I’d love a chat next whenever he’s free. Pass that on for me?” I chuckled lightly to add to the whole charade.

I didn’t expect Steve to flip, but he did.

“Tony, don’t.” He shuffled closer, ignoring my flinch. I felt all the color drain from my face as he leaned in close enough that I felt his breath on my cheeks. “Don’t put on a mask and hide everything. Please don’t. I can’t handle it.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I can handle your anger, your pain, anything else. Just don’t shut me out. Please.”

He reached out and grabbed my hand, placing it on his chest. “Hurt me, yell, whatever. I don’t care. I just can’t lose you again.” His voice broke towards the end, and I almost embraced him.

The whole fight between us had been resolved. It had taken a lot of apologizing on Steve’s end for me to even be in the same room. He’d sat in front of my lab door for a couple weeks actually. Said that if he had to wait forever, he’d wait forever.

Fuck, I didn’t realize I was crying until Steve wiped the tears away gently. I couldn’t do this. All I’d become is some weepy bitch. This had to stop.

“So, can we go find Bucky now?” Steve asked eyes hopeful. I wanted to refuse him. I did. I had to. I couldn’t go with him. I didn’t need anyone. I was a Stark for crying out loud. I’d cried enough for three lifetimes.

“Actually, I have to get down to the lab, and fix something real quick.” I shrugged out of his reach and raced to the lab, opening drawer after drawer, looking for it. Where was it? I kept a stash in case of emergencies.

I found the bottle behind a box of blueprints, and chugged half of it right away. I couldn’t do this. I needed to forget this pain immediately. Drinking was probably a bad idea, considering I was an honest drunk, and after all that shit, I probably should keep my mouth shut at all times.

I couldn’t get the image out of my mind. Waking up on a Saturday morning, Steve and Bucky both in the same bed as me. Steve would probably have adorable bed head, and Bucky’s voice would be so deep and rough, and they’d both smell like sleep and skin, so much fucking skin that-

I threw the glass I was holding against the wall to bring myself out of the fucked up reality that I was dreaming of. This is why I shouldn’t be drinking. I needed something else now to distract from the pain, something to make me forget that what I want won’t happen. It won’t happen no matter how much money, how much begging, how much I wanted it. Dreams are for people who can’t do. This is something that couldn’t be done.

I must have been crying again, because I couldn’t see hardly anything. I stumbled and fell, scraping up my left forearm. I must have landed in the shards of glass from the tumbler. My vision blurred a bit again, the tears forcing their way out. Fuck, I couldn’t think. Thankfully, the pain in my arm made it impossible to think straight.

Steve was there once I looked up, actual tears on his face. Damn he was a good actor. He scrambled for the first aid kit on the wall, and half carried me over to the sink. As he picked the glass from my arm and bandaged me up, I realized Bucky had materialized from thin air, and was holding me on his lap, whisper soothing words in some foreign language.

“What is with you and laps?” I bit out, still feeling lucid. I could feel his chest rumble with a chuckle, but my ears began to ring. Steve had finished and was sitting in front of me. “Those are pretty realistic tears, eh?” I laughed because this whole fucking situation was to die for.

“They are real Tony. And these are just a few compared the many that I’ve already shed for you.” Steve sniffled. Wow, that was a great one-liner.

“Damn, Rogers. You’re such a smooth talker. I bet you get all the girls.” I hiccupped. They must have given me something or maybe that was the alcohol speaking.

“I don’t want anyone else, Tony. Just you.” Steve smiled, and it was blinding. I turned away from him, but ended up facing Bucky’s chest, which I thought was great, but wasn’t an improvement.

“Steve’s right, Tony.” Bucky growled. “Just you.”

“Fuck, no-“ I stammered. “Let’s- Let’s just not fucking do this. I can’t.” I felt like I was breathing in water. “Let’s just not.”

I couldn’t think, because here I was, surrounded by perfection and I was ruining this again. My arm kept stinging, and I could feel more pain coming on. I didn’t want to say anything either. Stark men are made of iron. I could handle anything.

“No, Tony.” Was all I heard before I fell asleep again.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Truth be told, I hated waking up. Not just the opening eyes in bright light part, but the whole shebang. I couldn’t shake the horrible groggy feeling, but I couldn’t sleep any longer, and couldn’t stop the anxious feeling in my stomach. This is why I hated sleeping. Because of that whole shitty wake up process. Mornings were a bitch. My arm burned, and I figured I should get some pills for that. The headache didn’t faze me; I’d woken up with a hangover for years.

“Boss, just a heads up, both Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes are waiting outside your door. They’ve been there since they dropped you off last night.” Friday’s Irish lilt sounded perky and pleasantly surprised.

“Ugh, can’t they just leave me alone?” I grumbled, pulling on some sweats that probably had more than a few holes in them and an old baggy shirt, most likely black, and stumbled out the door, immediately walking into two very warm bodies. I had to resist the urge to curl into the heat. Didn’t want to embarrass myself or fall back asleep. I had stuff to do. Ugh. Mornings.

“If you wanted a hug, you could have just asked,” Bucky laughed, making me scowl. He reached out to me again, and I stepped back to avoid the contact.

“I didn’t. Thanks, though.” I felt my face heat up, and squeezed past them to get some coffee.

“Tony, don’t go” Steve said, a smile in his voice. I could just see the bright smile on his face, the clear dark blue eyes shining with mirth, matching Bucky’s piercing light blue ones. Damn, I gotta start thinking of something else, anything else.

I almost sang praises when I realized they weren’t following me. Halfway through my third cup of black gold, I realized that a fresh start might be good. I could be gone for a few days at the Malibu mansion, and check back into the normal Tony. The normal me, you know, the snarky asshole that the media knew. Was there a normal me, though?

“Fri, get me ready for Malibu.” I called out, slightly hushed. Didn’t want super boys to hear me, and then horribly invite themselves, resulting in Avengers sleepover at Tony’s house.

The nice thing about being rich is not having to pack when I want to go somewhere. I had everything there in Malibu, essentially duplication. Anything else I’d need Friday would be sure to send. She was damn useful.

The ride was long, but not too bad in the jet, and I’d gotten to Cali with almost a whole day ahead of me still. Time difference sucked ass.

I’d been in the lab, which was probably one of the best rooms in the mansion because of the floor to ceiling glass windows that looked out over the ocean, and I got a call from Pepper.

“Hey Pep, what’s up?” I asked, feeling pretty relaxed.

“Tony,” Pepper sounded exasperated. “Why are two of the Avengers on my doorstep, begging me to let you out?”

I didn’t mean to laugh out loud. I really didn’t, but I was imagining Steve and Bucky, knocking on a disgruntled Pepper’s door, and then trying to convince her that I was there in New York in her apartment.

“You know, I have no idea why they’re there” I laughed again. “But, I’m in Malibu? I figured I should take a few days to calm down.”

Pepper sighed happily, “Tony that’s great! You certainly needed a break after the whole debacle last year.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me” I joked. “Only so many times I can handle being nearly killed.”

“Tony, take care of yourself.” Pepper said, her tone not allowing me to argue.

“Yes, dear.” I hung up and stared out the window, at the deep blue and the crashing waves and the tranquility.

“Fri, don’t let the boys come find me.” I mumbled. That’s the last thing I needed. They’d be an unwelcome distraction to operation “Fix Tony”.

“Sure thing, Boss. I’ve been sending all their calls to voicemail. Did you wanna hear those now?” The urgency in her voice reminded me of Jarvis, and I felt a pang of guilt. I missed him, and hadn’t seen enough of Vision these days. We hadn’t really talked too much and he always hung around Wanda, of whom I was very intimidated and hesitant to even look at.

“Why not?” I cleared my throat and fiddled with the wrench in my hand. “Let’s hear them.”

“ _Hi Tony, it’s Steve. I wasn’t able to find you, and Friday said you’re away, and I just had some questions, so if you could call me whenever you’re free, that’d be swell. Thanks.”_

_“Hey, it’s Bucky. You left without saying goodbye, and I miss you. So come home.”_

_“Tony, it’s Steve again. I, uh, kind of need some help. I’m not sure how to work this contraption in my room, and I figured you’d be the one to ask. Thanks.”_

_“Listen here Stark. My arm is killing me, and I only want you working on it.”_

_“Tooooooonnnnnnyyyyyyyy…..hahahaha Buck gave me some funky juice. Callllll meeeeeeee.”_

_“So, Stevie and I are playing strip poker, and we’re both losing badly. I’m gonna send you some pictures.”_

With that I jolted upright. “Friday, please tell me he was joking.”

“Nope, Sir. You have some unread photos from Sergeant Barnes. Shall I bring the photos up on the projector?” Damn, she sounded so satisfied.

“NO!” I shouted. “Um, not now. Delete them.”

I scrubbed my face with my hands. What the hell was happening between them? Fuck, now I had the image of both of them naked implanted on my mind. The thought of it pierced me, strangely. I realized they’d not want someone like me in the middle, complicating things.

I took a deep breath and sighed. Time to get back to work and try to forget myself, and then maybe I’d be back to the normal Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments give me life. Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

I snuck back into the tower at night, because I figured that’s when most everyone would be sleeping, but the whole jetlag as well as drinking almost the whole way back to get myself to calm down, I ended up sick. Not just the “oh this isn’t bad” sick but more like the “ugly crying, puking, and dry heaving” sick. While I was getting real close and personal with the toilet in my room, I heard a knock at the door.

“Friday, who is knocking at this ungodly hour?” I moaned again. Why did I feel like I was dying?

“It seems to be both Captain and Sergeant. They’re waiting outside the door, and have been since you got back.” She sounded sympathetic, sad even.

“Ugh, don’t let them in.” I stood up, and rinsed out my mouth, and ran my fingers through my hair. My brown eyes were puffy and red from the crying and I’m pretty sure I popped a blood vessel in one of them from the dry heaving. I shuddered just thinking about it. I was a mess, both inside and out.

“Certainly, sir. However, they may intervene before I have a chance to delay them.” She sounded sympathetic. “They’re threatening to break down the door.”

“Shit, fine.” I turned, my stomach lurching painfully, and shoved open the door, only to be instantly pounced upon by the two men.  “What do you want?”

“Oh, Tony! Are you okay?” Steve asked, and his brown eyebrows quirked. I always noticed that they were just a shade darker than his golden locks. His perfect blue eyes looked into mine, the color of deep dark water.

“Brilliant question, Stevie” Bucky laughed. “Come here Tony; let’s get you taken care of.” His hair was tied back into a messy bun, and his eyes, the bright blue, almost grey made me shiver.

In truth, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to disagree, because I didn’t think I had that much energy left keeping my conscious. I stumbled over to both of them, essentially collapsing my weight onto them, and I knew that it wasn’t really significant to them.

Steve carried me, my head resting on his shoulder, and legs wrapped around his waist. I felt a little childish, but still didn’t really care. I just wanted to sleep, and holy shit, Steve was now the most comfortable pillow in the whole world, plus he was so fucking warm.

Unlike when I had those horrible emotional moments with both of the guys, I was fully conscious and completely aware, which made it kind of surreal. Deep down, I really, really liked them doting on me. Fuck. I didn’t want to admit that. Still though, I had a reputation, and I wouldn’t admit that out loud. Because Stark men aren’t weak.

Dad’s words floated back to me, and all at once I felt foolish. If only he could see me now, grasping on to his idol and acting like a baby. He’d probably turn in his grave. Good for him.

All at once, I was in a bed, pretty sure it was Bucky’s, not mine, but hell, I didn’t care. I just wanted warmth, and a little water. Almost as if he read my mind, Bucky handed me a glass, which I sipped gratefully. Steve laid on the edge of the bed, humming to himself, while Bucky propped himself up by his elbows yet laying on his stomach, and my heart did a little flutter, because damn, he was all innocent and young and…..

I cut that train of thought as soon as I realized I was staring. He laughed, and Steve stopped humming.

“What’s up, buttercup?” I could hear the smile in Steve’s voice. How was it fucking possible to always be smiling?

Bucky chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing, doll.”

Was there something I was missing? They seemed awfully affectionate towards each other. Maybe it was just a good friends thing, like Rhodey and I. Sure there was a few times I’d grab his butt just to make him uncomfortable, but that’s what friends did, right? Plus all the pet names too. Just a little strange hearing it from two men older than most grandparents.

I shrugged it off, and curled up with almost all the pillows and the three blankets on the bed. “Good night, I guess?” I wasn’t really sure what was going on, but honestly, I didn’t care at this point. Let’s just sleep as long as I can, and then wake up and avoid the pending conversation. Maybe if I never woke up, we’d never have to have this conversation?

I closed my eyes and was out almost immediately, which was great, but at the same time, I had this horrible dream, where it started out me telling someone I loved them and then the person said they didn’t and yeah, it just opened up the nasty hole in my heart and then I just kept running from everything, until I ended up waking up.

“Tony, it’s okay. We’re here.” I sat up, blearily. Both of the soldiers hadn’t moved.

“How long was I out?” I yawned and stretched. My head and stomach felt way better, brand new almost.

“Actually somewhere around 9 hours. It’s almost time for dinner.” Bucky said, sounding just a little bored.

“So you just sat here and watched me sleep? That’s not creepy at all.” I rolled with the sarcasm, feeling a little bit more normal.

“Oh, totally.” Steve leaned in. “You have no idea how much it turns us on watching you sleep.”

He laughed as I squawked and practically jumped up.

“Well, this has been fun, so bye.” I hollered as I all but ran from the room.

I didn’t get all the way out as I heard Bucky mumble, “Damn Steve, I know we were both thinking it, but you gotta scare him off like that?”

Now if that wasn’t the strangest statement I’d heard in my lifetime, I didn’t know what was.


	7. Chapter 7

This morning was pretty weird. Not just in a ‘is this reality’ way, but in a ‘why is this reality’ way. I’d essentially locked myself in the workshop to keep calm and not have a weird breakdown that I seemed to have more and more frequently, which was a little concerning. Eh, chalk it up to a horrible past and some unresolved shit, and I’m just brimming with baggage. No wonder it’s gotta pop out somehow.   
  
I did some breathing exercises, which helped --they really did--but in reality, I used the exercises to help bury more of the shit down, to make it seem as if it’s not there. Yeah, I have problems, I know.   
  
Finally with my shit somewhat together, I headed to the gym to run. I wanted to run until my legs gave out. I couldn’t help but feel anxious about everything that had been happening over the past few days.   
  
I didn’t stop running until Clint had come down to the gym. I knew that it had been at least an hour and a half since I’d started on the treadmill.   
  
“Hey, you almost done?” Clint sat on the bench patiently, waiting for me to finish. I stopped, totally out of breath, and wiped the machine down.   
  
“All yours,” I wheezed, before jogging over to the showers and changing room. I had this burgeoning feeling of being in the way, and wanted more than anything to run to the workshop and hide. I showered quickly and headed down.   
  
“Hey kiddos,” I called out, feeling a little more relieved. I hadn’t heard from either super soldier since the morning and I didn’t want to get into the feelings jar after I’d already smashed it down. Although, it was getting harder and harder with each suppression.   
  
I started working on an upgrade for Bucky’s arm right away, thinking that maybe if he got this he’d bother me less. That made me realize it might work on Steve too. Hmmmm. Maybe I could fix Steve’s Kevlar, and then reinforce the leg support.   
  
While I was busy working up the blueprints and debating with myself, I heard a knock at the workshop door. The sound caused me jolt into the desk, bruising my left leg. I yelped and then groaned in pain as my leg went numb. “Damn it, Fri. Can’t you let me know when someone is nearby so they don’t kill me by accident?” I kept grumbling as I walked to the door, swinging it open angrily, only to find a box. I scooted it in and shut the door.   
  
Confused, I popped off the lid, finding a small canvas painting and a wooden carving of a giraffe. Which, honestly, the giraffe was pretty cute. Inside, the note read:  _ Tony, here’s some stuff we hope you’ll like. The painting is from Steve, and the giraffe is from Bucky. We hope to see you around soon. _ __   
  
Damn, now I felt all buttered up, and mostly like a fool. That weird giddy feeling bubbled up and I laughed for no reason. I guess maybe I was overreacting with the whole ‘avoid Steve and Bucky at all costs plan’. Maybe we could just be friends? I shrugged to myself, as if answering the internal conversation in my head. Yeah, I had problems.   
  
Friends didn’t act the way that I did though. Ugh, it just got more and more complicated. “Hey Fri, can you pass along my thanks to Steve and Bucky?”   
  
“Sure thing, boss.” I loved her perky voice, which made me chuckle a bit. “By the way, both Steve and Bucky are asking where you’re at right now, but I didn’t tell them as you’ve been talking to yourself about avoiding them.”   
  
“Atta girl!” I popped my back and got back to work, humming to myself. I started to think about Bucky’s arm; he’d probably need some maintenance on it soon and that might give me a chance to feel out what he’s thinking. Plus, I could ask Steve about some new designs for his shield and suit. That would have the added benefit of helping me determine what’s going on in his gorgeous head.   
  
I struggled between actually having Fri ask them and not. It seemed kind of dumb to just ask them. If they needed anything they’d just ask, right?   
  
“Friday, can you ask the dream team if they feel comfortable asking for my assistance if they needed it?”   
  
She gave a quick confirmation, before she got silent. I sat, twirling in my chair, worrying as the seconds dragged into minutes. I considered asking Friday what was taking so long, when she spoke up.   
  
“Both Bucky and Steve said they feel comfortable around you, and expressed concern for your well-being. They both posed the same question for you of ‘if you needed something, would you feel comfortable to ask?’.”   
  
“Ummmm, just don’t answer them.” I stopped twirling and closed my eyes to get rid of the nausea. I’d been twirling too long.   
  
“I won’t, Boss, but I suspect you’ll have to. They’re coming down to the workshop. They’ve been through the rest of the tower looking for you,” Friday practically sang. I think she cared a little too much about the ‘dream team’.   
  
I moved over to the dirty sofa, waiting for them to both barge in. I sucked in air after a few seconds, realizing I’d been holding my breath. Damn. What’s wrong with me? Oh yeah. I’m crazy.   
  
They should have been here by now. Hmmm. I jumped up and stalked towards the workshop door, swinging it open before realizing there’s a reason it was taking them a little longer.   
  
Steve’s hands were inside Bucky’s pants, cradling his butt. Bucky’s knee was hitched up around Steve’s waist, with his hand inside of Steve’s shirt. And both of them were kissing like there was no tomorrow. Like I wanted them to kiss me.   
  
The thought was like cold water, shocking me into realization. I coughed uncomfortably, causing them to break apart. “Oh shit, Tony…” Steve mumbled out before I shut the door. The silence was deafening.   
  
They didn’t want me. They had each other. I’m just a project. Just a fucking project.   
  
I reached out and punched the wall, hearing a dreadful pop, but feeling nothing. In my anger, I punched the wall again, over and over. Why can’t I feeling anything?! What’s wrong with me?   
  
I can’t breathe. I can’t see anything. It’s all gone black. I tell Friday to lock me inside, tell her to keep me safe from everyone, just before I pass out.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up all at once and immediately scrambled to the trash can to puke, sadly missing a bit. “Ugh, Friday, can you get someone to clean this up later?”

“Yeah, boss. No problem.” I knew she was sending the information over to the cleaning crew to come in after I left.

Feeling a little more stable but still nauseous, I began to survey the damage to my hand. I beckoned to Friday for a quick scan, just to be safe. “Two bones broken; both a hairline fracture. Bruising along the palm, and two lacerations over a few knuckles that show a likelihood of scarring.”

It shouldn’t have been funny, but I laughed. I laughed until I started crying, which was a bad idea. I couldn’t open up that pit otherwise I’d never stop crying. I sobered up instantly.

“Where’s everyone else, Fri?” I asked, my voice getting all scratchy.

“Most of the team is upstairs eating dinner with the exceptions of Steve and Bucky, who are currently in the gym.” Friday paused, then seemed to read my mind before saying, “They were waiting by your door for the past four hours. Per your instruction, I’ve locked down the lab. They gave up and have been at the gym ever since.”

I sighed loudly.  _ Might as well get my hand taken care of now. _ “Call Brucie-bear down. I need help setting and wrapping my hand.”

I felt guilty waiting for Bruce to arrive, knowing that I’d interrupted him from his dinner. I’d tried to look somewhat presentable when Bruce walked in, but I must have completely failed since he pestered me with questions for a few minutes. After giving somewhat of a satisfactory answer, he started cleaning my hand.

“You know, you can just talk to me about your feelings Tony.” Bruce mumbled lightly. “I know how it feels. Being so hurt or angry that you can’t not hit something.” With that he chuckled. Yeah, I bet he was very familiar with being destroyed and having to destroy something.

I hummed in response. I didn’t trust my voice anymore. It seemed that all I’d become lately was sensitive and weepy, and that annoyed me to no end.

“I don’t want to be weak.” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Bruce nodded. “Tony, you’re anything but weak.” He had moved on to wrapping my hand in gauze. “I know you won’t appreciate it, but I did some digging with Natasha. I know about Marzena.”

The second the words left his lips, I flinched. “No.”

“It’s okay.” He put a hand on my shoulder, and I wanted to curl into the warmth. Instead I straightened up. “If you got through thatTony, you can get through anything.”

He smiled and for a second I thought I could believe him. I began to return his smile before the image of Steve and Bucky entwined made me bite the inside of my cheek. I didn’t belong.

“They’re together Bruce.” I whispered. “Together. Bucky and Steve. I misread it. I thought they were just friends.”

Bruce had moved on to casting my hand, which I can’t remember him bringing supplies, then remembered I he had grabbed the first aid kit next to the door that I kept for occasions like this. “Does that change anything?”

“It changes everything.” I dropped my head and stared at my hand. “It changes everything.”

Bruce hummed his disagreement. “The cast should set within the next 15 minutes. Don’t touch the cast before it hardens. You’ll be in this for about three weeks, so don’t mess it up more.”

I groaned in annoyance. “I can’t last three whole stupid weeks.” I raked my fingers through my hair with my undamaged hand as Bruce stood and began to leave.

“Hey,” I called to Bruce before he walked out the door. “Don’t breathe a word about Marzena to anyone. Please.”

“Not a word.” Bruce agreed, before waving and shutting the door behind him.

I hadn’t thought about Marzena in years. I’d been trying so hard to forget what had happened that night. “Friday, delete any conversation about Marzena, including this request. Try to find and delete any documents tracing me back to that as well.”

“Done, Boss.” She lapsed into silence. I struggled to breathe while my heart pounded. I rubbed my chest absently, missing the familiar comforting light and metal from the reactor.  _ Getting it removed was for the best, eh? _

I staggered up, heading to the back staircase I knew could get me to my room uninterrupted. After climbing up the stairs I dropped onto the bed, regarded my gurgling stomach. I hadn’t eaten in a day or maybe two. I couldn’t remember.  _ Maybe a quick nap could be good? _

I closed my eyes, but sleep wouldn’t come. I felt too keyed up and aching after everything that had just happened. My arm felt like pins and needles and I didn’t feel like eating either and yet my stomach turned into knots, growling angrily at the lack of food. I guess I could just eat a few crackers, and that would allow me to take some painkillers too. Sadly I knew Friday had told all the staff to make sure there was no food in my room, which I knew was an order from Pepper. If I had food and coffee in my room or lab, I’d never leave.

Grumbling more about how I’d wished I could have invented a way to not eat, I lurched over to the elevator, commanding Friday to whisk me downstairs.

I stepped out and bee lined for the pantry, finding Natasha reaching for the flour. “What are you up to Tony?”

“Crackers.” I mumbled, digging around.

She studied me for a second too long. “How about some real food?”

I shrugged. “You don’t have to. I’m just as happy with crackers as with anything else.”

“I know, Tony. I’m making food and there will be extra, and I feel as if you could use a meal. Plus, I want to.”

I stared at my feet trying to reign in the emotions I knew were playing across my face. “Sure.”

“Come here Tony. I’ll cook and you can watch. Watch your hands.” She purred into my ear, making me melt.

I’d meant to stay awake and watch her cook, but once I laid my head on the counter to do just that I passed out. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully updating this soon!


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